Commitment

A few weeks ago a new gym opened in our neighborhood. All of my friends, N and I joined. I was so motivated that I signed on to personal training sessions. Three days a week I go to the gym and work out with my trainer, A. A is a 23 year old pretty boy who is, actually, wickedly smart, kind, motivating, funny and sympathetic. You see, A was once extremely overweight...althought you couldn't tell it by looking at him now. So he knows how I feel. We get along great and he assures me I can reach my goals of losing weight without my planned (failed plan, that is) bariatric surgery. So, three times a week, I go in and work my ass off. I am amazed at what I can do. The other night I did 96 squats as part of a circuit....in 10 minutes! However, there is this one thing that is standing in my way. Food. For whatever reason, I cannot get my food intake under control. I cannot believe that I have accomplished all these things.....getting through college when school is so hard for me, becoming a teacher, learning an instrument, building a music program from nothing, marrying the man of my dreams, even enjoying working out......but I can do what is easy. Eat. Make good food choices. It takes no effort at all to eat. None. It's so frustrating. I've battled my weight for as long as I can remember. I've tried it all....weight watchers. L.A. WeightLoss, Atkins, sketchy diet pills dispensed by a morbidly obese doctor in his basement in South Philly, even resorting to my last resort...surgery. Every single one of those things I have failed at. I just don't get it. Tonight, after my workout, A and I went into the office to chat a little. He had me get on the scale and to my dismay, I gained a pound. How?!?!? I get angry, A looks at me with those puppy dog eyes of his, and I just lose it. He's going to help me with the eating thing, free of charge......not sure why. Because he believes in me? Because he feels sorry for me? I don't know. When we were talking about food I said "But I don't like eating those things!" he said "What is a few moments of discomfort eating something you don't necessarily like when it means reaching your goals? When it means adding happiness and years onto your life?" He's right. He's always right. Quite prolific for a 23 year old kid.
Say you were a drug addict. You want to recover. So, if you wanted to, you could remove yourself entirely from that environment. But bad food is everywhere. F'ing everywhere! I just have to commit. Commit to making good food choices. Commit to protein shakes and fish oil. Commit to squats and the goddamned arc trainer. Commit to myself and my life. My health is at stake. Not to mention my happiness and my wardrobe.

"Please clarify something for me"

That is how the last email I received from a parent started. "Please clarify something for me" No "Dear Mrs. C" or "Hey You" or "To Whom it may concern" just started off into some rant about their kid or something. I hate not being addressed formally in emails. You wouldn't just walk up to someone you never met and start talking to them without introducing yourself would you? No. You would say "Hello, my name is blah blah blah" I get countless emails from parents that start this way. I just can't believe how basic manners have gone out the window! It's just so rude. I swear I could write a book on this.

XVII - II

Tuesday will mark my second wedding anniversary. I can't believe two years went by so fast. Overall, N and I have been together for five years. There are now people in my life who do not know my maiden name. I remember our wedding day as it were yesterday. I go there in my mind sometimes. Sort of like a "happy place" to go to when things get rough, or sad, or stressful. He really is the most amazing man. I think that if every person had a person like N in their lives, there would be an outbreak of world peace. How did I get so lucky? I'm difficult, cynical, moody, messy and an overall pain in the ass. But he loves me. He loves me unconditionally. I still, after all these years, can't believe it. We used this Pablo Neruda sonnet in our wedding ceremony and I came across it again tonight while paging through a new book I bought today. It's really us.......it was perfect then, and it's perfect now.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Stand-by for the 30's

A few years ago I stage-managed a semi-professional production of Scrooge: The Musical. For those of you who don't know, stage management involves many many things. One of these things is to call the lighting cues for the show. So, on this particular production, I was working with a fleet of younger guys (only younger by 2 years, max). I was rapidly approaching my 26th birthday and had expressed my concerns about getting older. Also, there were a slew of light cues that came one upon the other. So, in order to save time, I would call "stand by for the 30's". Well these guys thought it would be funny to make that the running joke about my age. "Kat is in standby for the 30's!"

Now, next month, I'm having my golden birthday. 29 years old on November 29th. Strange. This time next year I'll be 30. I still don't think of myself as old. Yesterday, while I was getting steroid shots and nebulizer treatments I was flipping through a copy of "Parenting" magazine. (Cut me some slack! It was all they had). Anyway, in this magazine was an ad for Care Bears. It said something along the lines of "Remember your first Care Bear?" Care Bears were an 80's creation! I had two Care Bears and a freaking Care Bears bedside lamp!

I was so taken-aback by that ad. Surely my age group isn't old enough to be parents?!?!? But alas, we are. Or they are. I, on the other hand, am way too young to be having babies.......let alone be teaching them about the ways of Care Bears!

So, I am in "stand-by for the 30's" and I'm alot closer now than I was then. But it's ok. I'm ok with it. However, I believe that age is purely a state-of-mind. I'm determined to be 24 forever. 24 was a good year.

Some people are just broken.
But you have to stop yourself from caring
So that you don't get disappointed.

Adding Insult to Injury

Since I got back from Eurotrip '08 it's been one piece of bad news after another. My cousin died, my grandmother has end-stage cancer, my surgery was cancelled due to insurance issues, my brother is using again........the list seems to be endless.

And now........today.........I find out Spring Awakening is closing.


have a sore throat from teaching all these beginning violin lessons. "Stand up with your violin, no leave the bow, no pick up the violin but leave the bow, leave the rosin, no, leave your rosin on the floor with your bow and pick up your violin." Ugh.

I need a break. I need palm trees and tropical breezes. Fruity drinks and rolling tides. Quiet woods, chilly mountains. Nothing but silence and a giant pause button for my life.

Ugh. This book.

I'm the kind of person who must have a book to read at all times. I get tremendous amounts of anxiety if I am not currently involved in some story. However, money is tight right now, so I've resorted to re-reading some books that I read long ago. Last night, I just finished a book I read back in 2000 called Jemima J by Jane Green.



I remember reading this book back then and thinking it was one of my favorites. Now I know that it's actually quite a horrible book. It starts off with this fat girl named, of course, Jemima Jones. Like I said, she's fat, has no friends, has never had a boyfriend, is in un-requited love with a co-worker, and all the other unfortunate and ignorant things that come along with being fat. Then, after a moment of revelation, she goes on a crash diet, loses an enormous amount of weight in a short amount of time, becomes obsessed with exercising and then gets a makeover by a chic and stylish "friend". She then moves to California where every single attractive man tries to pick her up. The co-worker, after having spent months apart (which sets up the "Is that really you Jemima?" scene) re-connects with her. They fall madly in-love, she regains a little weight (not enough to make her "fat" again) and get married. How.......quaint.



Really....how unrealistic can you get? This has never happened. This will never happen. There simply aren't happy endings like this anymore. Fat people don't transform themselves to perfect, chisled size 2's in the matter of three months. It's just not possible.



I guess re-reading this book has given me insight on just how much I've grown in the past 8 years. I remember thinking that this book was prolific and mirrored my life so much. Now I just see it as a distraction. Mindless drivel. I guess I am more in tune with reality now. For once, I would like to read a story about the fat girl who doesn't get slim yet still manages to find a nice guy and some wonderful friends. Maybe I should just write it myself.

First post!

In my defiance of all things work related, I've decided to set up a blog. I've wanted to for some time, but have been lazy. It is now 3:00 exactly on Monday. I'm waiting for the clock to strike 3:15 so I can break out of here. Not that work is bad........it's quite wonderful actually. I enjoy my kids, my sun-filled classroom, and the fact that almost everyone leaves me be.

So how does one go about this whole blogging thing? Do I write like I used to write on LiveJournal (god, remember that!). Or do I save this space for my ramblings about politics, religion and musical theater? Do I introduce myself?

I guess.............here goes.

I'm Kat. No, I'm not going to tell you my last name, or where I live. I'll give you a hint though.....people call this 'lil part of the world "The Armpit of America". I'm an educator, musician, amateur actress, history buff, wife, sister, daughter, friend, musical theater aficionado, godmother and damn good baker.