Friday, August 26, 2011

Such A Pretty Fat

I really, really mean it this time.

I'm finally having weight loss surgery. The insurance said YES and the date is set. September 1st.
On, September 1st, I will willingly say goodbye to 85% of my stomach.


I'm fat. Really fat. I've only been reeeeeally fat for about 3 years now. But, believe me, I've always been fat. Hell, I was fat back in 1988 with a poodle perm mullet thing. (Thanks for that, Mom)

Being fat is a very public affair. There's no hiding my size. Everyone knows I'm fat. You can see my fat from a mile away. Literally. No amount of Spanx will ever shrink what I'm sporting. There's this plus-sized store called Torrid and I'M EVEN TOO FAT FOR THAT STORE. It's only been since I had the baby where my weight has really started to restrict me. Sure, I can get down on the floor. But...I can't get back up without some serious acrobatics.

Gosh, writing about this is humiliating. Being fat is a humiliating, public affair. People always think they know what life is like for the morbidly obese. They think it's laziness or a lack of will-power. It's almost never because of that. I know some lazy-ass skinny people who eat nothing but junk. It's strenuous stuff carrying the equivalent of two garbage bags filled with rocks!

I may seem immune to it now. I make jokes about my weight and have learned to speak about it frankly. But it is no less humiliating. Here are some of the ways my weight has embarrassed me over the years.

1. I broke a beach chair. Last week....alone with the baby at one of Nick's concerts. There were, like, 30 people sitting around me.

2. Going to a restaurant is always a challenge. Can I fit in the booth?

3. I once went into The Limited to get a giftcard for a friend. A salesperson blocked my path and asked "Can I help you?" I responded; "No, thanks, I'm ok." She said "Are you sure? We don't carry clothes in YOUR size here." She replied with a shudder.

4. A friend once said "Why don't I have a boyfriend? I mean, obviously it isn't about looks. After all...YOU got a boyfriend."

5. I once broke a PICNIC TABLE. (Now, I'm not entirely sure I can add this one. The table was broken already and I was just coming off the Atkins diet and only weighed 150.) But still, years of embarrassment told me it broke because I was fat.

6. I had a really serious car accident a few years ago. After the firefighters cut the door off I saw the paramedics with the stretcher. I thought for sure they wouldn't be able to hold me so I screamed and ranted until they let me try to walk. They didn't relent.....thank god. Again, Post-Atkins so I was relatively slim.

7. My obscenely hot OB whispering in my ear pre-c-section "Now, I don't want you to be embarrassed by this...but we may need to tape your belly up after we're done stitching." My self-deprecating response? "Oh, it's ok. I stopped being embarrassed by being fat ages ago."

8. Writing this post is humiliating.

9. A costumer told me I needed to get a corset so that everything could be "put in its rightful place" Whatever the hell that meant. This was done in a public email sent to the entire cast of the show.

10. I'm constantly underestimating the size of my ass. I'm always bumping into things.

11. Theaters of any kind are nerve-wracking. Will I fit in the seat? Will a stranger sit next to me? Will they feel the overflow of my sizable thighs?

12. My BFF's best man at her wedding; "I'm surprised to see you as a bridesmaid." Me; "What? Why?" "Well, I honestly didn't think they made bridesmaid dresses in such large sizes." (I had just met him.)

13. There are almost no pictures of me and my son. That's sad.

14. I know that I am described as "the fat girl" or "she's heavy" or "the big girl".

I think I'll stop there. Before I jump out a window or take too many advil.

I'm having weight-loss surgery in less than a week! I haven't eaten a morsel of solid food in three weeks. For anyone who thinks I am "taking the easy way out", I encourage you to contact me so that you may be schooled.

This post is dedicated to JKD who, in fact, did not break the dolphin. It was rusted already...