Commitment

A few weeks ago a new gym opened in our neighborhood. All of my friends, N and I joined. I was so motivated that I signed on to personal training sessions. Three days a week I go to the gym and work out with my trainer, A. A is a 23 year old pretty boy who is, actually, wickedly smart, kind, motivating, funny and sympathetic. You see, A was once extremely overweight...althought you couldn't tell it by looking at him now. So he knows how I feel. We get along great and he assures me I can reach my goals of losing weight without my planned (failed plan, that is) bariatric surgery. So, three times a week, I go in and work my ass off. I am amazed at what I can do. The other night I did 96 squats as part of a circuit....in 10 minutes! However, there is this one thing that is standing in my way. Food. For whatever reason, I cannot get my food intake under control. I cannot believe that I have accomplished all these things.....getting through college when school is so hard for me, becoming a teacher, learning an instrument, building a music program from nothing, marrying the man of my dreams, even enjoying working out......but I can do what is easy. Eat. Make good food choices. It takes no effort at all to eat. None. It's so frustrating. I've battled my weight for as long as I can remember. I've tried it all....weight watchers. L.A. WeightLoss, Atkins, sketchy diet pills dispensed by a morbidly obese doctor in his basement in South Philly, even resorting to my last resort...surgery. Every single one of those things I have failed at. I just don't get it. Tonight, after my workout, A and I went into the office to chat a little. He had me get on the scale and to my dismay, I gained a pound. How?!?!? I get angry, A looks at me with those puppy dog eyes of his, and I just lose it. He's going to help me with the eating thing, free of charge......not sure why. Because he believes in me? Because he feels sorry for me? I don't know. When we were talking about food I said "But I don't like eating those things!" he said "What is a few moments of discomfort eating something you don't necessarily like when it means reaching your goals? When it means adding happiness and years onto your life?" He's right. He's always right. Quite prolific for a 23 year old kid.
Say you were a drug addict. You want to recover. So, if you wanted to, you could remove yourself entirely from that environment. But bad food is everywhere. F'ing everywhere! I just have to commit. Commit to making good food choices. Commit to protein shakes and fish oil. Commit to squats and the goddamned arc trainer. Commit to myself and my life. My health is at stake. Not to mention my happiness and my wardrobe.

"Please clarify something for me"

That is how the last email I received from a parent started. "Please clarify something for me" No "Dear Mrs. C" or "Hey You" or "To Whom it may concern" just started off into some rant about their kid or something. I hate not being addressed formally in emails. You wouldn't just walk up to someone you never met and start talking to them without introducing yourself would you? No. You would say "Hello, my name is blah blah blah" I get countless emails from parents that start this way. I just can't believe how basic manners have gone out the window! It's just so rude. I swear I could write a book on this.

XVII - II

Tuesday will mark my second wedding anniversary. I can't believe two years went by so fast. Overall, N and I have been together for five years. There are now people in my life who do not know my maiden name. I remember our wedding day as it were yesterday. I go there in my mind sometimes. Sort of like a "happy place" to go to when things get rough, or sad, or stressful. He really is the most amazing man. I think that if every person had a person like N in their lives, there would be an outbreak of world peace. How did I get so lucky? I'm difficult, cynical, moody, messy and an overall pain in the ass. But he loves me. He loves me unconditionally. I still, after all these years, can't believe it. We used this Pablo Neruda sonnet in our wedding ceremony and I came across it again tonight while paging through a new book I bought today. It's really us.......it was perfect then, and it's perfect now.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.